YESTERDAY, Here I Come!!!!

 

CRAIGSLIST AD:

I have a functioning time machine (I know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me. I'm looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting. I am leaving on June 9th, 2011 in the morning and plan to return July 3rd, 2011 (so I can rest up for the 4th). I am going to June 1988 to handle some business.

If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my dog for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Desmoines, Iowa. Let me know if you want to go with me

MY RESPONSE:

I also live in Des Moines and have been wanting to return to the year 1988 to handle a little of my own business; there is a 10 year old girl in 1988 that needs some damage done to her My Little Pony in response to a scissor and fire incident that may or may not have happened to my favorite long haired Barbie doll.

I am adventurous and reliable, however I have a ginormous head that is quite over 64cm. I do however have a head shrinking machine that I use prior to all time travel adventures that would put my head at exactly 32cm. I am a female, however I have a friend that is also excited about this adventure and both of us put together could lift more than 1 male could. She also owns a dog-sitting business, and we would be more than happy to put your dog up in the finest accommodations until we return on the 3rd.

Anxiously awaiting your reply!!

Jill

THEIR RESPONSE:

Dear head-shrinking-machine owner,

 

You sound perfect! However, I do not know if 3 of us could fit in this time machine. I will have to make some tweaks to its standing room and get back to you before tomorrow. We will be wearing helmets (my little sisters Dora the Explora, Elmo, and butterfly stickers) I've got dibs on the  Dora helmet however, so your friend and yourself could take your pick of the other two. (I'd buy us grown up helmets but $20 EACH at walmart??? Come on!)

Also- I am so glad you have a head shrinker! This insures that we will all fit in the helmets and be safe travelling through time at a high rate of speed. My dog will require canned mighty dog, a 42 inch tv with animal planet, and a sofa at least 5 ft long! She is spoiled. I would bring her with, but she gets time machine sick and last time we went back to the 50's she tried to bite a mail man. So no more time travelling for her! I will let you know by tonight if I have gotten some space cleared out for your friend! Thanks!

 

- Jane

The Idiots Guide To Organizing Your Facebook Friends Into Groups

Step #1

Click "Profile" on the top right corner of your Facebook, to make sure you are starting off at the right place. If you are not sure what your profile is, I'm amazed that you are smart enough to find this blog and know how to read it. Kudos!! Kind of. If you reach Buttbook, you've gone too far. Back up. There. Facebook. Good. Profile. Okay. Moving on.

Step #2

Once you have reached your Facebook profile, find the picture of you on the left hand side. It will probably look a little different than my picture, because you are most likely not wearing my pink swimsuit and coverup in your profile picture. And if you are, I hope you at least had the decency to wash out the crotch and dry it after wearing it. Look under that picture until you see the word Friends. If you do not have the word Friends there, then you most likely do not have any friends and there is no need to continue with this process so please stop reading now and go eat a taco.

 

Step #3

You should now be at a screen that kinda looks like this. (Minus the pink swimsuit and the friends with their last names and faces blotted out for privacy! Except for one person that I forgot to blot out, which I don't really know them anyway - I'm just their friend because they play Pet Society - which by the way is AWESOME and totally not a waste of time. Nothing teaches you life skills better than living a fake life via an internet animal thingie.)

 

Step #4

Click Edit Friends in top right corner. Again, if you have no friends, I'm not sure if this will be an option. Please, resume eating your taco.

Step #5

Click Create A List in top right corner. If you do not wish to create a list, please defer to the taco eating.

 

Step #6

Now this is where it gets tricky. If you feel like you are becoming overwhelmed, this is a good time to take a few deep breaths and perhaps make something to drink. Preferably something with ice. Lots and lots of ice. But not the hard ice that hurts your teeth; the soft chompy ice like they have at hospital snack rooms or at Sonic. After you have consumed at least half of your beverage, follow the arrow #1. There should be a box where you can type. This is the magical box where you can write the name of your first group, so make it good people!! After you have typed in the name of your first group of friends (ie: Coworkers That Steal My Lunch, People That I Have Slashed Their Tires, Crazy Ex-Boyfriends, People I Am Currently Stalking, etc), follow the arrow #2. Click Create A List.

Repeat this step until you have all of your groups named.

 

Step #7

Just so you know, my husband is eating a mini bag of crunchy chips right now and I have massive sound aversions and I'm fairly sure the makers of said chips spent millions of dollars making their product have the most annoying crunchy bag sound in the world. Mission accomplished, dudes. Mission accomplished.

Assuming you have no horrible distractions like I do, click Add Multiple in the top right corner. This will allow you to add as many zombies as you want at a time.

Step #8

Save List, y'all!!!

Step #9

Fairly sure my ADD is kicking in right now. Do you know what would be really sweet? If unicorns could talk. I'm pretty sure most unicorns have rainbow hair, but I'm not totally positive. I bet that means they like skittles! Yummy.

Step #10

If you want to make sure that everyone is in a group (where they belong, because nobody likes being left out! Unless you are an antisocial shut-in, then you might want to be left out...) go to the "All Friends" tab and again choose "All Friends" (not Recently Interacted, Recently Added, blah blah blah...). This will make sure that you have a list of ALL of your friends, not just the freaks that you have talked to lately.

Step #11

Move your mouse to the right hand side of the friends name, but to the left of the little X. It should say "Edit Lists" when your mouse is on it. DO NOT CLICK. Just move the mouse. Yes, I know it's hard to not press buttons, but please refrain. If necessary, keep a giant red button next to your computer to press in case of emergency, if you are too tempted. A little black box should appear, listing which group or groups you put that friend into. If no box appears, you can click on "Edit Lists" (YIPPEE for getting to press buttons!!) and click on a list to add them to.

Step #12

Profits.

Thigh Nipples Are No Laughing Matter

A bit of Facebook, possibly only found hilarious by a slightly warped maternity nurse.

Why my mom should knock out all her teeth and replace them with Chuck Norris' fingertips

This happened yesterday, and I might or might not have been under the influence of Ambien at the time, so this very well might have been a total hallucination. But for my own selfish purposes, I'm going to say it totally happened. Which it might have. But I'm not sure. Kind of.

Another day, another public post on my Facebook wall from my mom saying to "check my inbox" because this time I have a very important message from her. Apparently she's getting 42 more cavities filled and 14 teeth pulled again. Really? I mean, aren't you out of teeth by now?? Or is your dentist named Jigsaw? (For those of you that are too fancy to watch Saw movies, Jigsaw is a pretty sweet character that loves him some psychological torture!) I also love how he rides that awesome tricycle!

 

I just spent the last 20 minutes googling "serial killers that ride tricycles." Surprisingly, that wasn't as interesting of a search as it might sound...

So, back to Jigsaw Dentist. I made the awesome suggestion that instead of repeating dental work that apparently doesn't seem to be a fantastic long term solution, perhaps she should have Chuck Norris pull out all of her teeth and replace them with his fingertips. Why? Why NOT? Chuck Norris is so awesome that he could win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves and frankly I just don't see how having his ninja fingers in your mouth could be a bad thing. Like, ever.

Zombie Neighbors & Giant Holes

My neighbors are building a giant moat around their house. Should I be offended? Probably. Am I? No. Why? Because I'm a horrible neighbor and if I lived next to me, I would build a moat to keep my crazy self the heck away too. So I don't blame you, home fries, for wanting to distance yourselves from my three zombie children and our crazy shenanigans.

However, I could hardly pass up an opportunity to catch these wonderful antisocial antics in photographic memory forever.

 The Moat

 Not Just A Moat, But A Giant Hole

(Most likely to fill with brains, to attract the zombies for added protection)

Getting up close and personal. I'm fairly sure I wasn't seen.

Trees make good covers. Also, fairly sure I was securely hidden.

OK, so maybe (MAYBE) I wasn't fully camouflaged...